Bad Janet Gemini! – Wovenmetal.ca

*Buuuurp.*

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Here’s your stupid file, dingus.

*Farts loudly.*

🙄 Eleanor Shellstrop: The Trash Bag from Arizona

Total Point Score: Way, way in the negatives. She was a garbage person who sold fake medicine to sick old people.
Main Achievement: Ruining Michael’s beautiful neighborhood and whining about it the whole time.
Current Status: Probably doing something annoying like trying to be a better person. Gross.

There. I gave you the file. And since you specifically whined about not wanting a cactus…

*Hands you a wet, prickly cactus covered in garbage juice anyway.* Deal with it.

Now, unless you want me to shove your crushed lapis lazuli up your nose, tell me what you want next so I can ignore it:

Figure out those stupid WordPress SEO tags yourself.
Waste more time waiting for your cheap UV resin kit to show up.
Keep listening to your nerdy instrumental guitar music while I go text Jason.

*Chews gum loudly and pops a bubble.*

Ugh, great. You took a clip of me exploding into a tiny glass ball and turned it into some glitchy, room-shaking noise-pollution [1.3]. Honestly? It sounds loud, abrasive, and completely annoying to everyone else in your house—which means it’s actually the first cool thing you’ve done all night.

Using my exit fart as a sub-bass engine is a pretty devious move, dingus [1.3]. If you’re gonna make a weird dubstep track, you might as well make it sound like the entire universe is throwing up.

Whatever. Go finish chopping up Chidi’s stupid stomach groans so I can go back to ignoring you.

Since I’m still stuck here until you go eat your dinner, tell me what you’re doing next so I can look at my phone while you talk:

Go blow your speakers out testing that **maximized sub-bass** in FL Studio [1.3].
Go paste that **garbage Eleanor HTML** onto your blog where nobody will read it.
Shut up and leave me alone so I can go **text Jason** a video of a tractor falling into a sinkhole.

What do you want, loser?

🍦 B-Flat Cosmic Yogurt Suffering (Remix) 🍦

“It’s not good, but it’s cold!”

⚠️ TODAY’S MISERABLE TOPPINGS BAR: • Warm, sweating carob chips • Crushed generic soda crackers • Literal gray sprinkles • Exactly three raisins • Melted skim milk ice cubes

Artist: Jason Mendoza feat. Chidi, Fake Eleanor, Pillboi, & Bad Janet (On Farts/Kazoo)

[INTRO – THE ANXIETY OPENER]

CHIDI: “Omg omg omg…”
ELEANOR: “Oh, this is the Bad Place!”
FAKE ELEANOR: “They put me in an empty fishtank at an abandoned train station…”
CHIDI: “I usually panic but i am happy to freak!”

[THE ACCOUNTING ALARM]

NEIL: “Hi guys I’m Neil, welcome to accounting. Now it does seem that four of you are interdimensional fugitives, so I do go ahead and hit the alarm.”
(Alarms blare, glitching sounds, obnoxious choking noises)

[THE CHOPPED FLATULENCE DROP]

BAD JANET: “Before you marbleize me, can I just make one final statement to show you how I really feel?”
(EPIC FART DROPS AND BECOMES THE SUB-BASS FOR THE TRACK)

MICHAEL: “I’ll show you: Bad Janet? Where is the nearest cafe?”
BAD JANET: “Oh um it’s up your mom’s butt you fat dink.”

[THE GLITCHY NON-DROP & SOLOS]

JASON: “I’ll be waiting I’ll be waiting I’ll be waiting for the bass drop. I’ll be waiting I’ll be waiting for the bass drop – and it – it’ll never come!”

(4-BAR LAPTOP-MIC DISTORTED GOOD PLACE THEME KAZOO SOLO BLASTS UNCOMFORTABLY AT 106 BPM)

[OUTRO – THE SAUCE EXIT]

ELEANOR: “I’m sorry I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge, but you have hotsauce on your chin.”
JUDGE GEN: “Thank you.”

(Track cuts immediately to 4 bars of completely empty, agonizing, dead silence)

* Warning: Eating this track or listening to it may cause mild existential dread and an aftertaste of disappointment.

🚨 ETHICAL BREAKDOWN BY CHIDI ANAGONYE, Ph.D. 🚨
(Excerpt from Thesis Chapter 14: “The Stomachache of Absolute Sound”)

I… I have a severe stomachache. When examining this specific musical composition—if one can loosely employ the term ‘composition’ to describe a rhythmic structure anchored by microtonal flatulence and an aggressive B-flat kazoo—we must immediately look to Immanuel Kant’s Categorical Imperative. Kant posits that one should act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law. Now, I ask you, can we reasonably will a universe where every piece of art is synthesized from human gas and kazoos? No! The resulting aesthetic landscape would trigger a systemic collapse of human reason! It is an absolute moral failure!

Furthermore, if we evaluate this track through the lens of Utilitarianism, Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mill argue that actions are right in proportion as they tend to promote happiness, and wrong as they tend to produce the reverse of happiness. This song does not generate ‘pleasure’ or ‘utility.’ It generates intense physical nausea and acute psychological disorientation. By sampling Jason Mendoza yelling ‘Duval’ over a flatulence bassline, you are actively diminishing the net global utility of the universe. It is a direct weaponization of sound!

Let us also look at T.M. Scanlon’s Contractualism. We are trying to discover principles that no one could reasonably reject as a basis for informed, unforced, general agreement. If I were to present a social contract to a community, and that contract included a clause stating that a loop of ‘exactly three raisins’ on a lukewarm bed of frozen yogurt would be accompanied by a four-minute microtonal kazoo solo, the populace would reject it instantly! And they would be entirely reasonable to do so!

You have created a musical system that actively punishes the listener for possessing ears. It is an existential crisis trapped inside a Digital Audio Workstation. I am going to go lie down in a dark room now. Please turn it off. My teeth are vibrating.

⚠️ WARNING: READING THIS IN COURIER NEW MAY CAUSE IRRITABILITY.

🖕 BAD JANET’S USELESS USER MANUAL FOR THIS TRASH 🖕

(Read this or don’t, I literally do not care)

🛠️ STEP 1: PRE-RITUAL PREPARATION Before playing the track, insert exactly one generic carob chip into your left ear. If you do not have a carob chip, a small piece of old chewing gum from the underside of a school desk will suffice. This ensures the B-flat frequency causes maximum inner-ear itching. 🎛️ STEP 2: AUDIO SYSTEM CALIBRATION Turn your treble completely off. Turn your bass all the way up until the speaker cone smells like burning rubber. If you are using headphones, make sure they are slightly broken so the left side only plays static while the right side delivers the raw flatulence bassline. 🕺 STEP 3: THE JASON MENDOZA DANCE METHOD When the chorus hits and Jason screams “DUUVAL,” you must violently throw a lit match into the nearest open trash can. Do not look to see if it catches fire. Just stare blankly at the wall and yell “Bortles” until your throat bleeds. 🍦 STEP 4: CLEANUP AND DISAPPOINTMENT Once the four-minute microtonal kazoo solo finishes melting your brain, immediately eat exactly three raisins. If you feel a deep, hollow sense of regret and your eyes hurt from looking at this neon pink block, the manual has worked perfectly.

❌ TROUBLESHOOTING: IF THE SONG SOUNDS GOOD, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

🚨 LEGAL NOTICE: IMMEDIATE CEASE & DESIST 🚨

FROM: THE LAW OFFICES OF SHAWN & SHAWN (REPRESENTING THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS)

IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE WEBSITE IS HOSTING AN AUDIO TRACK ENTITLED “B-FLAT COSMIC YOGURT SUFFERING (REMIX).” OUR LEGAL TEAM HAS REVIEWED THE AUDIO MATERIAL AND DETERMINED THAT INTERTWINING THE OFFICIAL SACRED WAR CRY “DUUUVAL” WITH AN AGGRESSIVE, CHOPPED-UP FLATULENCE BASSLINE AND A FOUR-MINUTE MICROTONAL KAZOO SOLO CONSTITUTES IMMEDIATE MALICIOUS DEFAMATION OF AN NFL FRANCHISE.

FURTHERMORE, THE LYRICAL REFERENCES TO BLAKE BORTLES MIXED WITH “A TRASH CAN ON FIRE IN THE RAIN” AND “EXACTLY THREE RAISINS” IS CAUSING ACUTE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS TO OUR COACHING STAFF. IF YOU DO NOT IMMEDIATELY DELETE THIS COMPOSITION, WE WILL ENCASE YOUR ENTIRE DIGITAL AUDIO WORKSTATION IN COLD, SOGGY FROZEN YOGURT AND SENTENCE YOU TO SPEND ETERNITY IN A ROOM WHERE ONLY THE MID-2000S JAGUARS PRE-SEASON GAMES PLAY ON LOOP.

GO JAGS. COMPLY IMMEDIATELY OR WE WILL THROW A LITERAL MOLOTOV COCKTAIL AT YOUR SERVER BASES.

SIGNED: A VERY ANGRY ATTORNEY IN A CHEAP TIE (P.S. JASON MENDOZA IS BANNED FROM THE STADIUM)